Mark stared into his reflection in his bathroom mirror. Five years ago, exactly where he was, stood the sculpted 215 pound body of the quarterback of Enter High School’s varsity team. Now, two torn ligaments and zero scholarship offers later, stood Mark. After having stood still for several minutes, he brushed his teeth for the first time in a week as he checked his phone to see the time, realizing that he would be late to work again.
He dragged himself out of his mother’s house to his shift at the grocery store. Another day of scanning and bagging items for customers awaited him. Most days were fine. Mark always tried to strike up a friendly conversation with each customer, asking them how their day was or what they were planning on doing with their peculiar set of items. He even recognized and learned the names of regulars who would come to stock up on groceries every week: Anna was vegan, Evan trained in boxing, and Charles loved hot dogs. Some days were less tolerable. Customers would complain about the prices of items, the store’s lack of certain products, how slow the credit card scanner could be at times, and more. Some days the sheer monotony of scanning and bagging all day was enough to drive him insane.
Today though, was rather standard. Mark had gotten so methodical with his work, that it became like playing Tetris. He would spin and slide items instantaneously for the scanner to find the barcode and rapidly place them into bags, neatly filling in the gaps. Towards the end of the day, he got a text from his mother telling him to pick up his younger brother Jay from school. He stayed after school to have a meeting with his school counselor, and she would be busy working the dinner shift at her restaurant. Mark had no problem with doing so: he loved having any excuse to spend time with his younger brother.
They were only 2 years apart in age, and when they were younger were often confused about twins. They did almost everything together. At least, they used to. Mark went to college, and for the first time they were part. Even when Mark returned home after dropping out of school, there was a certain distance that had grown between them.
–
Jay got in the car, his eyes red.
“Yo, how was school?”
Jay was silent for the first few minutes of the ride before he spoke.
“I’m not graduating in May. I’m failing my classes. I am a failure.”
“No, you’re not.”
“I just can’t do anything right.”
“You’re going to be just fine, I–“
“Do you actually believe that?”
“I do. School just isn’t for you. It clearly wasn’t for me, either.”
“At least you finished high school!”
Mark paused.
“Julian, I promise you that we’re going to be okay.”
–
Mark took him to their favorite fast-food place, KFC. They came here almost every day, just a few years ago. The smell of salty fried chicken always conjured nostalgia for the mystical feeling of being young and carefree.
“Why even did you drop out of college?” Jay asked through bites of his chicken.
“I failed a bunch of classes that I would have to retake and decided I had enough. I was just so… done with it all.”
“Do you have any plans…?” Julian trailed off.
Mark autocompleted the question, “or are you just going to keep working as a cashier for the rest of your life?” He had been rotating through different minimum wage jobs the past year, and his current one was his longest-lasting one. The truth was that he had no plans, no greater ambitions. Football was out of the question. He wanted so desperately for something to spark a fire in him, but nothing did.
“I’m not sure yet. I’m figuring it out. You’re going to figure it out too.”
Jay wanted to pursue artistry after high school. He had immense talent and passion for drawing and painting scenes of nature but did not exactly aspire to be a starving artist. At least he had dreams, Mark thought.
–
After playing 1 on 1 basketball for about an hour at the park they once frequented daily, they sat on a bench facing the lake at the center of the park. The gentle ripples of the lake, the vibrant greenery, and even the buzz of insects that Mark once found irritating endeared him. Jay took photos of the lake as references to draw later.
“Yo, do you remember the time you lost control of the ball and chased it all the way to the lake and then jumped in to get it?” Mark asked. The two of them burst into laughter. The tension seemed to break. Mark and Jay were joking like they once did, about movies and video games and anything else they had on their mind, until far after the sun had set. Eventually, their mother called to ask where they were and told Mark to bring them back home.
–
Later that night, Mark fell into his nightly tradition of reading his old texts and looking at old photos of his ex-girlfriend, Becca. He hated that he did this, and yet he just could not stop himself. She broke it off almost six months ago, citing his inability to take care of himself as a primary reason. Mark knew she was right. He hated that he simply could not fix himself. He hated that he was self-aware enough to notice this and yet did nothing about it. He hated how much he hated himself.
Mark eventually got tired enough to quit rotting away on his phone and tried to fall asleep. Maybe if he held the blanket tight enough, it would turn back into her. Maybe it would start loving him back.
–
Mark found himself at a fancy restaurant at a candlelit table for two, and sitting across from him was Becca. She was dressed in an oversized gray hoodie and jeans that he had given her. She was beautiful.
“I know you loved me,” she said.
He wanted to look away, cover his ears, run away, but he could not. His eyes were hyper fixed on her face and her lips as she spoke.
“I loved you too, but,” Becca paused.
Mark tried to scream, but his mouth did not open.
The next words that came out of her mouth no longer were in her voice. The voice was deep and raspy, almost demonic, and yet Mark knew whose it was.
“I HATE YOU,” his own voice blared repeatedly.
–
Mark’s dream faded and replaced itself with a new one: Now he was sitting in his car, but he was in the passenger seat, and Jay sat in the driver’s seat.
“Mark, where are we going?! I don’t know how to drive!” Jay screamed.
All Mark could do was helplessly watch as Jay drove them off a cliff.
–
Moments before the car hit the ground, Mark awoke covered in sweat, with his heart thumping violently. Checking his phone, he realized he slept through his alarm. Skipping breakfast and the bathroom, he rushed out to get to work.
On his way there, he kept hearing Becca’s, his, and Jay’s voices as they rang, bouncing off the walls of his skull. His manager had scolded him already for being late multiple times this month. He floored the gas, driving faster than he could think. For a moment his hands consider yanking the steering wheel to the side, searching for the nearest tree to collide with. He had these thoughts rather often. “The call of the void,” as the internet told him, is supposedly a common and normal phenomenon. He would never actually go along with anything, but still, it did not feel so normal to be thinking about ways he could terminate his existence nearly daily.
When he got to the store, his manager was predictably upset. This is his last warning, he was told, or else he would be once again out of a job.
–
On this day, one particular customer was rather insistent on trying to use over twenty different coupons, most of which were expired. As he tried to explain to her that she could not use them she continued to demand to get her discount. Eventually, he exploded, and he yelled at her to get his point across. She complained to his manager, and just like that he was once again jobless.
–
In his car, Mark tried his best to remain composed for about five minutes before breaking down. What could he do right? The job he least hated he just lost, and he would have to do something else, if he even could find something else. What a terrible role model he was for Jay, he thought. What was he doing with his life?
He checked his reflection in the rearview mirror to see himself. His eyes were red and puffy. “How pathetic,” he said aloud, almost choking on his words.
–
Getting off the school bus, Jay was surprised to see Mark back home already. Mark thought about lying to him about having lost his job again. Yesterday, he had told him that the two of them would be alright, but it certainly felt like a lie on his part. Jay was younger and more driven than him, so he would certainly be better off.
“I… got fired… again,” said Mark.
Mark buried his head in his hands as he was expecting, even hoping that Jay would tease him, or speak down on him. His expectations of himself were so shattered, what could anyone else even think of him at this point?
Instead, Jay got up without saying a word and hugged Mark.
“Bro… It’ll be okay.”
–
Mark was at the park lake again, this time sitting on the bench next to Becca. Becca was assaulting his ears, as Mark once again could not speak or even move. Every “I love you” and “I miss you” hurt more than Mark could have possibly imagined.
Eventually, Becca disappeared, and Jay took his place. But something was different about Jay. His physical features were slightly different, he had grown some facial hair and even had seemingly gained some weight.
“I’m sorry bro. I just can’t take it anymore. It’s all too much,” Mark’s voice said through Jay’s body.
Jay stood up suddenly and turned to face the lake. He walked towards it until his toes were just on the edge, and he turned around to face Mark once again.
“Goodbye,” Jay said before turning back around and diving into the lake.
All the while, Mark had been internally screaming, trying his best to jump out of the bench seat, say something, do something to stop Jay from doing what he was doing.
A realization struck Mark, and it did, he gained control over his body and sprinted towards the lake and dove in.
Mark closed his eyes right before his body reached the ice-cold water of the lake. Burned in his mind was what he saw moments before jumping. The full moon’s radiance illuminated the once-calm lake and made it a canvas of ripples upon which thousands of lights danced. In the middle of it all was Mark’s reflection, blurred but entirely recognizable. Except, it was not Mark in his reflection. It was Jay.